For Mamta and Every Woman: A Stand Against Domestic Violence
For the past three weeks, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the Mamta Kafle Bhatt case. I feel a deep sense of anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness. These emotions are so strong that it’s hard to focus on anything else. I know it’s not healthy to dwell on it, but cases like this are hard to ignore. I also know I’m not alone—many others feel the same way.
What makes this even harder is realizing that these tragedies are, in some way or another, connected to some of our societal norms. It’s painful to admit, but when we talk openly in close circles, it becomes clear just how common domestic violence (DV) is—not just as a concept, but within our own families. I had wanted to write about this before, but my heart felt too heavy to continue. Hearing about women in our families who suffer daily, with no hope of escape, is deeply painful. This time, however, with so much conversation around Mamta’s case, I couldn’t stay silent. So, I am attempting to write my thoughts on DV.
First of all, it’s important to understand what DV truly is because it’s a complex issue rooted in power and control—and it can happen to anyone.
Following is the definition of DV from the United Nations website:
Domestic abuse, also called "domestic violence" or "intimate partner violence", can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.
Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith or class.
Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Domestic violence is rampant, and I believe it’s almost systemic. Our society and its so-called “norms” have created a breeding ground for such horrors. This isn’t just a failure of individuals; it’s a failure of our entire community—and we all have a role to play in changing it.
I wanted to touch on a couple of things I think are most important as we talk about this:
How Kids Are Raised
From a young age, girls are often instructed to avoid certain behaviors, keep their distance from boys, dress modestly, and carry themselves in ways that supposedly prevent unwanted attention. We’re constantly told what not to do, while boys often receive little guidance on how to behave—especially in their interactions with girls and women. Society ingrains in us the idea that women must protect themselves. But why isn’t there an equal emphasis on teaching men to be responsible and to behave with decency?
I vividly remember my mother giving me protective life lessons as I was growing up. I completely understand her motherly instincts and her drive to keep me safe—she taught me to be wary of everyone, even the men in our own family. Yet, I never saw her or my father teaching my brother how to treat women or how to make them feel safe in his presence. I’m certain this isn’t just our story—many boys aren’t taught these essential lessons at home, leaving a significant gap in how we cultivate respect and safety in our society. My brother turned out to be an amazing individual, and that’s wonderful. But not everyone turns out that way.
Change starts at home, where we have the most influence. With our generation stepping into the role of new parents, we have the opportunity—and the responsibility—to model healthy relationships for our children. Kids learn by watching their parents. To all the dads and dads-to-be: Be a role model for your kids, especially your sons. Teach them about respect, empathy, and equality, so they grow up understanding that true strength lies in treating others with kindness and dignity.
Only by raising our children to value and respect one another, we can begin to break the cycle of violence and build a safer, more compassionate society for everyone.
Power Dynamics in Marriage
My grandmother, whom I love dearly, once told me that my worth is tied to my husband's. Every time my husband and I are on a call, she reminds me that I need to "serve" him. I understand that times were different for her, and she views the world through that lens. But I’m exhausted by these outdated notions being passed down through generations. Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership? So why is it still portrayed as a hierarchy where the husband holds authority, and the wife is expected to be submissive? Instead of teaching girls to serve their husbands, shouldn’t we be teaching both girls and boys that marriage is a partnership? Can we, as a society, embrace the idea of marriage as a true partnership rather than a hierarchical arrangement?
The notion of men being the powerful and dominant figures in marriage is deeply ingrained, and I see it reflected daily in many relationships around us. I want to emphasize again that marriage should be about partnership, not power dynamics. We need to stop endorsing the idea of men as the superior force in relationships. Instead, we should be teaching both boys and girls to be respectful and responsible individuals, not power-hungry figures who feel the need to control and dominate, leading to abuse and violence.
Marriage may not always be equal in the strictest sense—50-50 balance is not always possible—but it can still be a beautiful partnership. So, let’s demonstrate and model the partnership aspect of marriage, not the imbalanced power dynamics that can lead to harm.
Creating Safe Space for Conversations
When something is troubling someone, they often try to share it, whether subtly or explicitly. It's important that we create a safe space for these conversations, where we genuinely listen and offer support—as a family, as friends, and simply as decent human beings.
At the family level, there's a lot of work to be done. While it’s not ideal to generalize, many (Nepalese) people my age (late 20s) struggle with open communication within their families. It’s not the norm for most of us. I’ve noticed that most of my conversations with my own family remain surface-level, leading me to lean on friends when I need to confide in someone during difficult times. We want to lean on our families for support, yet there is a disconnect. There is a need to bridge this gap to foster an environment where open communication within families becomes the norm, where we can open up, feel supported, and deal with our difficulties as a family unit. So, how can we start this in our own family? Perhaps by taking the lead and trying to connect with family members on a deeper level? Perhaps by asking crucial questions, encouraging discussions in sensitive matters, teaching and learning from each other without getting too defensive?
I know many of you might be wondering if this is wishful thinking and it probably is. But open communication is so important, and we all need to at least try.
When it comes to friends, it can often be easier to open up. So, if someone shares anything concerning about their relationship, let’s be that safe space for them to talk. Let’s connect them to the appropriate resources for help. From what I’ve gathered in Mamta’s case, the turbulence in her relationship was somewhat clear to her close friends and family, yet she didn’t receive the support she needed. If she had—maybe the outcome would have been different?
Salvaging Relationships vs. Leaving
Relationships are hard, and marriage requires constant effort. Couples will have disagreements, and when these aren’t resolved through open communication, resentment can build up—something that’s detrimental to any relationship. Yes, compromises are part of marriage, and yes, it’s important to work through challenges. But if you’ve reached a point where there’s no turning back, or if your partner becomes abusive or violent, please leave. It’s not worth staying. This is where the support of family and friends becomes crucial.
The Nepali community needs to hear this loud and clear: Marriage is not the ultimate goal in life, and Divorce is not a failure. You don’t have to stay in a relationship where your partner is harming you—physically, emotionally, or psychologically. The saying “Buda budi ko jhagada paral ko aago” (a couple's quarrel is like a straw fire) doesn’t apply when harm is involved. Neither does “Kul ko izzat” (family honor). If you’re in an abusive relationship, please leave.
And to the family members: please make it easier for women to take this step. Societal stigma can add layers of shame and guilt for those who decide to leave. Be their support, their safe haven. Empower them to take the right steps and live in peace.
Dear girls and women- Your life is more precious and valuable than anything society has to say. Violence in any form is unacceptable, and no one should tell you otherwise.
Importance of Being Independent
I was going to focus on financial independence, which I will get to, but it’s essential to recognize that independence, in general, is a key—for anyone, especially women. Please, please, please be curious. It’s wonderful to have a partner who can do things for you, but it’s vital to understand how things are done yourself. Don’t rely entirely on someone else for everything. If you don’t know something, ask or search for the information online. There’s nothing you cannot learn or do.
Most importantly, be financially independent. Financial independence gives you confidence and the power to navigate life without having to rely on others. Too often, women in toxic relationships feel trapped because they lack the resources to move on. So, let’s strive to be independent and empower other women to do the same. Let’s be smart with our money. There are many resources available—let’s learn to invest and take steps to manage our finances wisely.
That said, I understand that domestic violence transcends socio-economic status, financial independence, and education levels. Even financially independent individuals can and do experience domestic violence. Mamta, for example, was a working nurse, financially independent, yet she couldn’t leave her relationship in time. Social media posts showed she was thinking/preparing to separate and live independently, but it was too late. While financial independence is not a guarantee against domestic violence, it might be your strongest tool to escape it when needed.
Connecting to Resources
Domestic violence is a sensitive issue, and it’s essential to handle it with the care it deserves. This may seem like common sense, but sometimes people need to be reminded of the basics. If someone opens up to you about domestic violence, take the time to comfort them first, create a space of trust, and then connect them to the appropriate resources. While I couldn’t find a reliable source of information for a domestic violence hotline in Nepal (if someone knows, please let me know), if you’re in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 800-799-7233, with text and chat options also available.
Being an immigrant comes with its own set of challenges, and navigating a complex relationship on top of that can be overwhelming. As I write this, I want to highlight that- While I may not have all the answers, I can help find information and connect someone to the right resources if needed.
From what I’ve seen, Mamta was trying to navigate her separation but wasn’t able to do so in time. My heart aches for her, and I can’t stop thinking about how vital it is to get out of a toxic relationship as soon as possible.
Final Thoughts
Domestic violence is fundamentally an issue of power and control, and it can happen to anyone at any time. Recognizing the signs is the first vital step in addressing DV. Abuse isn’t just physical; it can be emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial. Learn about the Power and Control Wheel
My message to everyone out there is to be alert to the signs of manipulation, intimidation, isolation, and threats. Even educated women can fall into the trap of psychological and emotional manipulation. You might be gaslighted or have your self-esteem eroded, making you feel unworthy, despite your successes. It’s essential to take note of any concerning behavior, and while emotional attachment can sometimes cloud judgment, always remain vigilant to anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Call to Action
Domestic violence is multilayered and complex, which is why I’ve explored several aspects in this piece. Escaping such situations requires a combination of personal awareness, support from family and friends, and access to systemic resources. So, let’s commit to being part of the solution, standing against violence wherever and however we can.
We cannot afford to lose another “Mamta.” As a community, we must confront the roots of these problems and take action—starting today, starting now. The responsibility lies with all of us: you, me, our families, friends, and every member of our community. Together, we must commit to making a change and ensuring that no one else suffers in silence.
Lastly, I sincerely hope the culprit is punished for their wrongdoing and that no woman has to endure such a fate in the future.
Take care you all!
See you in the next blog post!